Following my Asperger's post, I decided to include some canned responses to other frequent mail requests. I often don't respond to email within a short time frame, especially if the email requires a lengthy response, except if I have heard of you or your blog before or if you are proposing a business relationship. When I do answer email, it's typically in batches.
How does Excel/Word implement "X"?
I am not going to reveal any trade secrets. It's against the law, and there is no reason to expose myself to legal liability for someone I don't know (or even for someone I do know). I generally assume that anyone who asks me questions about Microsoft software internals might be an FBI agent. I am fully capable of becoming wealthy on my own merits that I don't need to lose the peace of mind that comes from being a criminal.
You almost definitely would not want to implement your application in the same manner as Microsoft, anyway. Each application has different design goals. Besides, there are plenty of open-source spreadsheets and wordprocessors to look at, but, if you can't come up with your own algorithms, your software probably isn't going to be that good anyway.
I personally don't use any techniques that I have learned at Microsoft for my own software; in fact, I use an entirely different programming paradigm.
Also, when I do write about experiences in Excel, I cite publicly available information from websites and books like "Microsoft Secrets," which incidentally focuses on the Microsoft Excel group.
Can you help me interview for Microsoft?
If you are a good enough programmer, then you do not need my help. Good programming skills come from programming extensively, and, if you are not programming regularly, then a programming career might not be a good choice for you.
If you are a bad programmer, then I don't want to help you get in; my help won't make a difference anyway. Also, your career will becoming exceedingly miserable and short-lived if you accidentally do make it in without the skills.
There are plenty of interview resources on the internet.
Please, Bill Gates, I need money.
It surprises me that this is my most frequently emailed request. Bill Gates must get tens of thousands of such requests a day.
I am not Bill Gates; I just wrote a post about him. I am guessing that English is not your native language.
I understand that in some cultures, especially Islamic countries, mandatory 10% tithing on income is required of wealthy people, resulting in an ecosystem of beggars.
It doesn't work that way in the US; poor people have it tough here.
Can you get me in contact with Bill Gates?
No. I do have an indirect connection with Bill Gates through his technical assistant, but I will not destroy it for the benefit of a stranger, especially a low-priority communication in response to some viral chain mail purportedly written by the Man. My connection might be useful to me in the future, if I ever need to sell my own company.
How do I do X in C#?
I'll only tell you if the answer takes one sentence, or I'll only point you to the resources if it takes me less than a minute to.
Don't expect me to write a function to resize a multidimensional array for you. Any answer requiring brainpower won't happen; I need to maintain my reserves for my mentally intensive programming tasks.
Can you fix my computer?
Sure. Please pay me $250 an hour in advance for my services. My time is valuable.
Can I instant-message you?
I tried this before but did not enjoy the hours that I lost from the experiment. Even though I am self-employed, I just don't have that kind of time. I'll evaluate the request on the potential value of the networking relationship. If you are a high-profile person (blogger) or have valuable connections, then your value is higher. It should be give-take, not give-give.
Another related quote is from Saturday Night Live’s Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley (played by Al Franken) in which a self-help expert urges viewers to look in the mirror each morning and reaffirm their worth to themselves by saying…