Socially Clueless

Sometimes in social situations, I feel totally clueless—like an idiot, surrounded by masses of people, who clearly understand something that I don’t.

Professional sports.

Next week is the Superbowl. More people will be watching this event than any other televised show, and advertisers are going to use up their marketing budget to reach these viewers. Maybe, I might tune in myself merely to watch some of the commercials.

I can’t figure out why people talk about and watch sports so much. Why are people so invested in their local teams and players? It doesn’t seem to be educational or humorous. I went to a few baseball games out of curiosity and it was somewhat interesting and suspenseful, but I could not understand why people would buy season tickets. When I am at the stadium, my mind keeps thinking about the abundance of food being sold.

One theory that I have is that people identify with the team, and the continuous coverage from the local press creates local celebrities that people can learn and talk about. (You see this in the way people describe their team. When the home team wins, fan’s usually say “we won,” although when the teams loses, fans say “they lost.”)

I used to watch and enjoy the Olympics, when I was younger, but the Olympic Games feels very different from professional sports. Gymnastics and figure-skating are pure eye candy. In other sports such as track and field, there’s a sense of awe in that athletes have maxed out the human potential in their respective sports, and that no average person can ever expect to match the achievements of Olympians, who dedicate hours every day for years to their discipline. Also, the notion that achievements of the athletes reflects in some way to those of their nation probably has a stronger basis in the Olympics than in professional sports.

Drinking.

I was a non-drinker until I was 26 years old; even then, my reasons for drinking was to eliminate awkwardness and later to ease conversation. It’s only recently that I have taken to drinking a small cup of alcohol on a regular basis for reported health benefits, such as mental clarity (true!) and reduced risk of strokes and heart disease.

While I do enjoy expensive food cooked in wine, I never actually took a liking to alcohol, especially beer, which seems strikingly bland. I just don’t understand the popular attraction to wine and beer or how anyone could actually become addicted to it.

In my MBA program, there was an event every Thursday night called Beer Bust in the campus yard, in which students could drink free beer and talk. I could not understand the allure of this event, just drinking and chatting. I couldn’t understand if this event was enjoyment in itself, or does it have a function like relieving stress, networking, or improving communication skills?

Clubs.

My brother recently asked me if I ever went to any clubs. I told him “no,” except for the three times I was invited by friends. He looked quite surprise; oh, I could tell that our lives were quite different. I know that he goes to clubs on a regular basis. That’s why he works as an investment banker in Wall Street, and I’m a computer programmer.

I don’t understand clubs. They are always so loud and noisy that I am surprised that other people can actually hear or speak to everyone else; perhaps, there’s an adjustment stage over time one must go through. Even then, the people in the clubs are all random. I have been told that a club is actually a pre-coital ritual, but I doubt that is the primary function of a club; isn’t it scary that one could wake up in the morning with a stranger on a regular basis?

Enlighten me, people!

Comments

[Wes Haggard]

With the exception of sports this sounds uncannily like me. I do follow sports most likely because I actually played them growing up (I'm guessing you probably didn't play many sports). I still play some sports to try to stay in shape somewhat.

Wes Haggard

[Jonathan de Halleux]

Having beer takes its true meaning during a sunny afternoon sitting on the "terrace" with friends, having a deliciously fresh beer while enjoying the view of the 14th century cathedral.

(It is similar to anime movies where they say that the true taste sake reveals itself when you enter in harmony with the surrounding nature)

[Judah Gabriel]

>Why are people so invested in their local
>teams and players? It doesn’t seem to be
>educational or humorous.

Being a sports fan, I find my interest in sports akin to partisanship in politics, nationality, etc... it's the whole 'enemy versus ally' match -- gives me someway to relive battles emotionally, without all the killing, raping, and pillaging. :-)

Go Vikings (in 2005)! :-)

[Dave]

What do you typically drink and does it really introduce an increase in mental clarity?

Thanks,
Dave

[Michael Giagnocavo]

I think sports just gives people something to care about. Some people feel an inner need to feel strongly about SOMETHING. A lot of computer geeks do this with their platform of choice. Other people do it with sports.

[ben]

I have to agree with you 100% about the clubs, I can never stand being at a club for very long.

[Wesner Moise]

I drink the low-budget $3 wine at the supermarket since I can't distinguish the fine stuff from the rest.

Mental clarity is a frequent claim made by the press, which is surprising, since alcohol is normally associated with the opposite (getting drunk, DUI).

[Jason Kemp]

I wasn't much of wine guy until I went on a wine tasting trip when I was in Australia. They explained how to taste it and what to look for. It really changed wine for me, and I got to meet a lot of people from all over the world. I think that's what alcohol is for: loosening our inhibitions.
I'm with you on watching sports and clubs, although that wasn't always the case. I'd say you're close with the pre-coital ritual remark: a club has drinks, dancing, and low light, all things that make it easier to, um, coit :) My opinion of them changed once I got a girlfriend.

[Dejan Jelovic]

Wes,

Question #1: Do you enjoy talking to people you've known for a long time (your brother, childhood friends if any, etc.)?

Question #2: Would you enjoy your life more if you shared it with a woman and maybe some children?

While I agree with your feelings on all three activities, I learned to fake enjoyment so that I can spend more time with people enough to get to know them, after which I derived real pleasure from their company.

[Xofis]

Sports = regional competition by proxy. Also, male soap operas: you get involved in artificial dramatic storylines.

The $3 wine is much sharper and more astringent than the $18. Try the higher end, it's much smoother. Doubt mental clarity, but it's supposed to be good for the heart as a thinnintg agent, like antifreeze.

Clubs are all about flirting and romantic texture.

[Wesner Moise]

Dejan, my siblings don't speak to me often, as if they are avoiding me. I speak to my parents mostly on the phone, a couple times a week, since they live on the East coast and I live on the West coast.

I believe that I could be happier with the *right* wife (and children), but only after launching a successful career. I can't derive much meaning in my life, if were simply to raise a family and not use my talents fully.

That said, there are a lot of *wrong* wives for me. I also don't think that I have much to offer to a wife at this juncture in life... maybe when I much more financially well-off.

The women, who are my peers, are less likely to accept me. Women want their man, no matter how sharp, to have all the limbs attached: I think that my lack of social skills is probably the equivalent of a missing leg in a woman's world.

There's also the tendency for women to reduce men into a stereotype and ignore the particular strengths and weaknesses. I suppose that if Einstein or any of the other luminaries were married at the time they made their most important discoveries, their wives may have dismissed the importance of their work (for lack of understanding) and had them perform a lot of mundane tasks like lawn-mowing or standing for hours while they go mall shopping.

I was previously married, but it was convenient for my wife since it allowed her to obtain a green card and she didn't know the US very well. After she started working at Microsoft, she saw her options more clearly and dumped me after obtaining her green card.

[Wesner Moise]

Dave, while alcohol is typically associated with lack of mental clarity (eg, drunkeness) in the long term there may be beneficial effects for the brain such as mental clarity.

Doctors theorize that alcohol's cleansing of the blood vessels, which reduces the risk of clogs that can lead to strokes and heart disease, probably also clears out the pathways in the brains allowing for more oxygen to pass through.

[Brian]

Anyone have any citations on the alcohol-healthfullness issue?

[Duke]

Wes, I'm only posting this because it applies to your situation (and mine too) regarding clubs and women: There's a mailing list that I subscribe to called Dating Tips (datingtips@doubleyourdates.com). It's free and you can check out his archives at http://www.fastseduction.com/mailbag/ if you don't want to sign up. I'm not affilliated with this guy except that I subscribe to the list.
Anyway, this guy's knowledge of social skills is really good, and he presents it in a way I (as a socially clueless guy) can understand. He sells an eBook and CDs and DVDs, but even just reading the mailing list taught me a lot. After a few weeks, I was impressed, so I splurged on the eBook (cheap), and was even more impressed, so I splurged on the DVDs (more expensive, but worth it, IMO). Quite professional, which was surprising. The advice is great, I think you would get something out of it. Can't hurt to check it out anyway.
Now, I realize that sounds a lot like a shameless plug, but since I consider it relevant to your post and comments... so be it, I guess.

[Wolfgang]

I am the same. I do not enjoy sports and when I see soccer fans beating eachother up over some stupid preference for a certain team, I can't but wonder "Why?". I do not enjoy "social conversation". It's awkward and meaningless. "Hi, how are you?" "Fine, how are you?" "Fine, thanks, weather sucks, huh?" "Yeah" "Caught the game last night?" (and so on). And don't even get me started on "getting drunk with friends" or even worse "getting high with friends".

However, I do enjoy deep discussions about politics, sociology, philosophy, anthroposophy, science, religion, et cetera. And I do have a very nice girldfriend. She is one of those women that are "right" for our kind of men. She is basically the same as me. Little outgoing, introvert and intelligent.

And that's the problem. Us introverts are a minority, and are regarded to be "socially inept" by the extroverts. That's not true. We actually have deeper social connections than extroverts do. It takes a long time for them to form though, and it's near impossible to form them with extroverts. We're very bad at what we consider "meaningless". We just can't see why people would put efford into it. You can change however. You can learn to pretend. I did, by the sound of it Duke did, and so can you.

By the way, you might want to look into Asperger Syndrome (http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/aswhatisit.html). Now, not every introvert has AS, but the literature might broaden your perspective...

[Dan]

Check out http://www.pbs.org/opb/einsteinswife/, you might change your mind about Einstein's wife :)

[Haacked]

Wes, the reason people enjoy clubs is for the free flow of mind altering substances. It's a great place to explore hacking the brain.

Kidding (though some hint of truth) aside, I think people in general need to connect to other people. These avenues are all about trying to break down our natural inhibitions and walls and so that people can start connecting.

When you're on your deathbed, and you look back on your life, what will you regret and what will you have fond memories of? Will you want to be alone or have people at your side. Optimize accordingly.

[Jtinsky]

Sports = entertainment.
Here in San Diego we tend to engage in sports more than actually watch them because the weather is ideal all year long. Some people just live for sports and their team is like an extended clan. Allegiance is all.

Alcohol == social lubricant || alcohol == experience enhancer
I've always liked a few drinks at parties. It livens up the conversation and loosens your inhibitions. You come out of your shell and talk to others which is the exact opposite of life as a programmer.

Good food/wine pairing is something I didn't experience until late in my twenties. Try some basic combinations at a local restaurant. Ask a good waiter for suggestions. Be wary that they may be trying to sell you. If you have that experience don't give up. Take a wine savvy friend with you to dinner and experience the taste synergies.

Clubs can be fun but if you're already socially awkward they'll just seem phony and be anxiety provoking. Dive bars can be fun where you can enjoy a drink and actually carry on a coversation if you wish to work your intellect.

If none of the above float your boat, don't worry. You're a non-conformist. Say it loud and say it proud!

[Nathan]

Wes, I'd like to second the post by Duke. His recommendation of the doubleyourdating.com newsletter is right on the money. I've been getting the newsletter for a long time (like him) splurged on the products, which I wasn't disappointed by. Not saying you should do that, but from the insights you'll get from the newsletter, you'll completely understand the club synamic, why it's there and why people do it. I dare say it will also put you on the track to discarding your social awkwardness, if you're open to that. I am a changed man, thanks to this stuff.

[sytelus]

You are not alone. I'd exactly same views. As far as beer is concerned, I really hated the taste of this thing and it's beyond my understanding that there are people who actually takes lot of pride for brewing their own beer and discussing subtlity of taste. To me all of them suck and I'd choose orange juice over most recommanded wine anyday. However I found that drinking balancd quantity of beer (3 glasses over an hour, may be) somehow relives person from "social isolation" syndrom. Suddenly you feel like you can talk about anything to anyone without formal boundries. Also you don't feel offended in anykind of discussion that's going on neither you feel bored. So basically, beer kind of puts you in mood away from that self-imposed social formality and rules and regulations and awkwedness. I think there exist an exact quantity which lets you be yourself without artificially imposed social restrains but overdoing or underdoing would easily ruin it. However downside is the horrible alcohole taste you have to take inside your body.

For clubs, yes its loud and noicy. But the reason I came to like them is because they feel so energetic and youthful and vibrant and without usual social restrains. If you feel lot of energy in a cold night, it feels pretty good to be there but otherwise I'd be bored and would prefer my laptop on a bed anytime.

[Kelly]

I'm currently working on a software and computer engineering degree so my views might be a tad skewed. But as for what women want, I don't think that social skills are a must. They may be for some women but you only hurt yourself if you group what all women like into something you don't want to be.

[anthony]

ok i have no sense of creative humor i can laugh at other ppls jokes but i cant get a good joke across successively i need recomendations please